Never Been Closer To A Great Summer

My exams are over, summer is here, and I’m busy again. This is the first summer in which I have a plethora of activities to engage in, thanks to antidepressants and plenty of therapy. There are a few games I’d like to play, many books I’m reading or about to start, and lastly a couple of shows and movies I’m watching sometimes alone and some other times with friends. I’m still crocheting my dwarf hat and now I’m also taking care of my body by going to the fitness studio.

All of this is a huge improvement compared to last year (or actually all the years before) where I would spend summer just waiting for school because school took care of structuring my day for me. I used to genuinely like going to school as a kid because I loved to learn, until school stopped saturating my cravings for more knowledge and the bullying became too bad.

In particular sports was a hub for bullying. That’s when the worst people flourish and when I would shrink into myself wishing the earth would crack and suck me in. I hated my body and I hated that it looked different from others. I was very skinny (literally skin and bones only, and I’m not exaggerating) and not physically not that capable. All of that occupied my mind for most of summer as if I was in fear of what was to come in the next school year; how everyone would glow up and I would continue withering away.

It was kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy because being miserable begets more misery. Kinda like a curse. But it’s not easy to change one’s mindset, at least I couldn’t, despite what everyone (influencers actually) online wanted me to believe. My impressionable teenage mind couldn’t handle all that was being said and done to me, my changing surroundings, my personal situation and experience, and school. School was hell and the glimpse of slight freedom from misery that was summer was counterweighted by my situation at home.

Many of my friends would not be around for summer because I live in a metropolis of people from all around the continent and they would travel over the summer along with their families to visit their extended family. Maybe they didn’t like going away, but just like them, I had no choice in whether I stayed or left. I had to stay in town because we’re refugees and refugees aren’t permitted to visit their home countries even if they could (which we couldn’t because, well, it’s Syria, lol). All this to say I was alone.

I had a falling out with my best friend in 2023 so summer 2024 was extra bad since we weren’t on talking terms. We made up at the end of 2024 so that’s also in improvement over last year. And we have plans of traveling and doing fun things which I am so stoked for. Never done anything as adventurous as that before because I wasn’t allowed to, but now that I’m 20, I’m not exactly going to ask for permission to do anything anymore.

So all around, I have high expectations for this summer and plenty of activities to tune out the heat from all the heatwaves. Speaking of that, there is a heatwave hitting Central Europe right now and it’s bad. It’s so fucking hot and I’m glad I can stay inside and that our apartment tends to be on the cool side and isn’t hit by the sun until sunset, and even then only barely. I send good vibes to all the people have work outside – especially construction workers – during these very trying times. Death from a heatstroke can’t be easy nor quick.

Stay hydrated x