On Journaling: How I Regained My Voice

Ever since Apple introduced their Journal app, I’ve been an avid journalizer. It took for an app as simple as Journal for me to start writing it down for me instead of holding it in and eventually exploding. I didn’t want to see it again, I just needed it out of my system. It was a coping mechanism, an outlet for things that better stayed with me, but that I couldn’t hold in me anymore.

I was afraid of keeping a journal for fear that someone else might read it. I would’ve journaled in English or German anyway which my parents either can’t speak/understand or do so poorly. Maybe I just didn’t want anyone to know I had a weakness, something that if they get their hands on could let them read me like an open book.

Beyond the myriad of reasons for not keeping a physical journal, I quite literally didn’t know how to think. To understand the reasons why someone so outspoken like me couldn’t think, we’d have to travel back to my childhood in Syria.

The Collectivist Disposition

Societies differ by many metrics, but one thing that splits the East and West in half is the yin-yang of individualism and collectivism. Many Arab societies not only operate collectively, but also authoritatively. The group always knows better what’s best for the individual. You have to do this, be that, think like that, dress this way, your purpose is that, etc.

This attitude throws its shadows across most parts of society and it already starts in kindergarten. Controlling what you think might’ve been important for a dictatorship like the Assad regime, but it was more so on theme for a society like Syria’s. You don’t think yourself, you repeat what is said to you. Someone else knows better and it’s never you.

So for the longest time, I didn’t feel comfortable in my head. Self-censorship and deep questioning of my own thoughts were on the daily agenda. If I were to think and write that down, how would I do it in a socially acceptable way? What if I think and write down the wrong thing?

Looking back, I never formulated those words you’re reading the paragraph above quite like that in my head. I just felt that way. I wasn’t brave enough to put those words together in my head like that. I just wanted to fit in and do what the group approves of. It took years and years for me to find my voice and accept that my thoughts on something could vary from the collective and that that’s okay.

… And My ADHD

It certainly didn’t help that my brain kept jumping around like crazy. No matter how fast of a typist I could be, my brain was always two steps ahead. I just couldn’t keep up. Having been told for years and years by my German teacher that the way I expressed myself was never up to expectations only fueled my writing hiccups. I was so insecure that my thoughts would be incoherent like he always said.

So in addition to having the attention span of a goldfish, having to keep up with everyone else who had ten years more than me to master the language, a bitchy teacher, and undiagnosed ADHD made me dread making my own thoughts visible to anyone but me. Despite all of that, I began journaling regularly.

Benefits of Journaling For Me

I won’t go into the “how” part of journaling. Each person differs in what works for them. You should feel comfortable journaling the way you do which takes a bit of time to adjust to talking to a screen/piece of paper in your head and some experimentation.

I began journaling to cope with the many emotions I felt during and after social interactions. I was frustrated with my parents, my friends, the world, and mostly me. Journaling helped me think more clearly, take a breath before reacting when I wasn’t technically under pressure to do so, and to think before answering, mostly digitally. For once, technology worked in my favor.

Moreover, chronicling my life made me appreciate the present moment more, more so than a picture would. Capturing the moment in my own words felt more meaningful than a picture, kinda like a painting of the same event is more human than the picture would be. There is more effort put into writing something rather than taking a picture.1

Most importantly, the freedom that comes from writing is incommensurable. Realizing that my thoughts were not to be shunned for deviating, but instead cherished. To my surprise – thanks to this blog – my writing resonates with people! So thanks to this feedback loop, I’ve felt even more in tune with my words. I still lose it sometimes and overstep. However, I’ve managed to give myself space to reflect, learn from my mistakes, and correct them if possible.

Writing became sort of meditative for me. Where at first it was out of necessity, now I just do it for the sake of it. I write because I enjoy it and because it fills me with contentment. It’s the only form of artistic expression that I haven’t unlearned over the years and for that I will forever hold it dearly.

Comments

Brandon: I’m glad you found and outlet to write authentically. I think it’s important everyone feels comfortable sharing those more inner thoughts.

Ikran: You are such a wonderful writer. I appreciate this essay. I have been journaling on and off for many years. Currently, I’m using the Day One app but there is something in me that is apprehensive about using any specific app for just private thoughts. I’m thinking of going back to my simple plain text file.

  1. Not to downplay photography, but since I’m no professional, taking a picture takes a couple of seconds and will most likely not look good anyway. I’m speaking from an amateur’s perspective who has only held a phone’s camera in his hands. ↩︎